Re-blog: How Sloane Peterson from Ferris Bueller's Day Off Taught Me How to be a Good Girlfriend

Hi all. I just had to share this amazing blog entry from "No, they don't let me lick the bowl," in which blogger Laura explains how Sloane from Ferris Bueller can teach us to be better girlfriends. I think it's pretty spot-on, and most of my guy friends (including my man) have agreed. What do you think?

THE GUIDE TO BEING SO CHOICE aka How Sloane Peterson from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off Taught me how to be an Awesome Girlfriend.

• Get along with his friends if you don’t get along with his friends you are done. seriously. That is number 1. Even if you think his friends are uptight weirdos or hypochondriac freaks, HEY, he is friends with them for a reason, so cut the shit. You’ve probably got some weird and crappy friends too…

• Rein him in, but only when necessary you are his girlfriend, not his mother. If he wants to sing to the city on a giant float, let him do it. He’s a big man and he can deal with the consequences. You can nicely remind him, Look, if you do that there might be trouble, but if you throw a bitch fit and give him the silent treatmeant you will look fucking retarded when he has a new girlfriend on his arm from the impressive stunts he’s pulled.

• Be funny “He’s licking the glass and making obscene gestures with his hands.” simple as that.

• Be confident Look, one of the reasons Ferris loved her was because she was cool and classy lady, she didn’t stress. She uttered the words and believed “He’s gonna marry me.” She probably knows if her boyfriend was running through a backyard and saw 2 girls tanning he probably would stop and say hello, but she also knows that he would spend hours of stress and risk his neck to get her out of school to just see her. Relax. You have him. He’s not going anywhere, and if he talks to other girls who the fuck cares YOU are the one he wants to marry.

• Say Eloquent Shit did Sloane ever use the word “like” as much as you do in your daily conversation? No. Drop the habit that makes you seem like a dumb valley girl and trade it for stellar vocab terms like “warmth & compassion” and “devastatingly handsome.” Once you’ve mastered talking like an adult, you’ll be able to spew pearls of poetry like “The city looks so peaceful from up here…”

• Pack lightly ever notice how tiny Sloane’s purse was? The bigger the purse, the lamer the girl. Its called baggage for a reason.

• Be able to keep up with the boys Hey, if you’ve got cramps, take a fucking midol and strap in. You don’t ever wanna be the girlfriend who is a drag and never wants to go out. A girl who can say she cruised with the top down in a convertible, swung by the Stock Exchange, and took in a Cubs game all in one day, is sorta girl who you wanna keep around.

• Look badass in a jacket with fringe The End.

28 Weeks Later, 2007

1. There's no such thing as rehabilitation after a viral zombie attack.
2. If the government says, "don't go here," you probably should listen.
3. Don't waste your time watching this movie.
4. Watch 28 Days Later instead.
5. Thanks.

I swear to goodness, if I have to watch one more horror movie with the an eye-gouge killing scene, I'll just laugh. It's not impressive anymore. Remember when Cillian Murphy gouged that guy's eyes out in the first 28 Days Later and it was awesome because no one had ever really done that before in a movie? Well, it's been done. And if I have to see it again I'm just going to throw in the towel.

It pains me to write that, because I really love horror movies. I love slasher flicks, suspense films, zombie movies, vampire stuff, the whole thing. But I didn't love this movie. I'll tell you why.

Nobody can catch a break in this movie. It turns out, while London has been secured, the rest of the UK still has zombies breaking into people's barns. Ron and Alice are a couple who somehow were able to ship their children out of England but couldn't get out themselves. When zombies break into the safe house where they're sitting with an elderly couple, a young man, and a single young woman, Ron promptly abandons his wife and runs for it. When his children are shipped back to him (London has been declared safe), he tells them he watched their mother die.

There's nothing subtle about this film. After being attacked by the infected, shot at by the United States Government, attacked again by their own father (who is now one of the infected), lost all the people who have tried to protect them, and rolling down an escalator filled with dead, decaying bodies, the two children who star in this film actually walk towards the light at the end of the subway tunnel.

Essentially the only interesting subtext in this movie is the total and complete breakdown of the nuclear family.

• Dad leaves Mom to be eaten by zombies
• Mom isn't really dead, turns out she's immune
• But she's still a carrier, so she gives virus to Dad
• Dad kills Mom (eye gouge)
  
• Dad tries to kill kids
• Kids have to kill Dad
• Can someone give Sophocles a credit line on the DVD?
  

I could summarize the rest of this thing, but really there's no point. It's fairly grotesque and traumatic. I'm saddened that these two hours could've been spent watching a Von Trier film instead. If the zombies don't bite you, the government snipers will just kill you. They'll kill everything. Is that the point?

28 Days Later is worlds away by far a superior film. If you haven't seen it, you really should. The best zombie movies (even the oldest, lowest budgets ones) are nuanced in their message. The virus is a metaphor. There is only overbearing imagery here. So we're all gonna die? I appreciate the gesture Mr. Fresnadillo, but DUH.

Moonstruck, 1987

In 1987, I was two years old. But I distinctly remember a cassette tape bearing the image of Cher dancing in front of the Moon being played over and over again in the early years of my life. My mom would say, "Oh, put on Moonstruck!" if she was making Italian food. And on the eight hour long car drive down to visit my Grandfather in Florida, both my Father and Mother would sing along to Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye, like a big pizza pie, that's amore!

I've finally just watched the movie for the first time.

First off, John Patrick Shanley wrote this thing? Really? The same guy who's responsible for this clunker? Unbelievable. Moonstruck is a Cinderella story, brimming with life. Loretta's a nice Italian girl, whose husband was struck down by a speeding bus seven years ago. Since she's decided that means she has "bad luck," she settles down into keeping the books at a funeral home, living with her parents, and dating this lame guy named Johnny Cammareri. He's sweet, but she doesn't love him. Johnny proposes marriage, and she accepts. Before he leaves to go see his ailing Mother in Palermo, he asks Loretta to do one thing: invite his younger brother to the wedding, who he hasn't seen in five years due to some "bad blood." She agrees.

It turns out, of course, that Ronny, Johnny's brother, is a "wolf," of a man. (See left). The grudge that he's been carrying against Johnny comes from when he was slicing some bread for Johnny in the slicer, and Johnny distracted him. Ronny lost his hand, and as a result, his girl left him for another man. After grilling him up a steak, Loretta concludes that Ronny's really mad at himself, not his brother. She asks if there's been another woman since the one that left. He asks if there's been another man since her husband died. It's inevitable that there's an explosive connection between the two of them.

It's no surprise that the salon Loretta visits the night before she meets Johnny at the Opera is called the Cinderella salon. And, never having been to the Opera "where's the Met?" Loretta asks, the music of La Bohème is really what seals the deal. (The music from this Opera tends to seal almost everybody's deal). Moonstruck's world is a pseudo New York, where people cheat, but families don't fall apart, people actually enjoy Opera, there's always the same little Italian cafe you can frequent on your block, and men you've just met days prior take you to the Opera and then propose marriage in front of your entire family. It's a romantic comedy.


But with lovely performances by the panther herself, Cher, Nicolas Cage, Olympia Dukakis, Danny Aiello, and John Mahoney, to mention a few, the film raises itself up over other romantic comedies and becomes one of the most enjoyable movies ever made. It's easy to see why, years after it had premiered in the theaters, my parents wanted to relive the soundtrack in their own lives. Maybe that's why, after all those years of hearing La Bohème, I packed my bags and went off to school to become an Opera singer.