Tuesday, June 26, 2007

How to Not Study for the GRE

1. Date assholes who tell you from the start that they are assholes. Don’t listen. Continue to hang out with them, convinced that there is inherent good in everyone. Waste time inviting said assholes to readings, going to movies, hanging out with said assholes asshole friends. Feel generally bad about oneself; write horrible poetry.

2. Curl hair with finger while staring at pores in the mirror. Do endless searches online for dermatologist.

3. Call home, cry to mother about lack of purpose in life.

4. Perfect Bob Dylan impersonation.

5. Have a full time job that seeps into every fiber of your being. Fiber with an –er, American style, not fibre with an –re, Virginia Woolf style. That would be the good kind of fibre, like, every fibre of your being that isn’t studying for the GRE.

6. Congratulate friends that have just been accepted into Ph.D. programs straight after graduating college; weep inconsolably.

7. Party on the Lower East Side. Wake up next morning, realize you aren’t even sure what GRE really stands for, realize you don’t care, watch Star Wars, wonder how Carrie Fisher got her hair so shiny.

8. Look at GRE testing locations in the city. Sigh. Eat a cookie.

9. Go to gym. Convince self that health is more important than higher education.

10. Buy incredibly expensive GRE Preparation book, complete with CD. Let said book age on your desk for several weeks. Read Nietzsche, throw GRE book out window.


riese said...

I think I could also write this post, just sub "psycho" for "asshole" and "get a job" to "study for the GRE."

Snobber said...

ah, if i had a dime for all the psychos and the assholes in this world, i think i could support the both of us. perhaps we could set up some sort of trust.

L. said...

I don't think there's anything worse than the GRE. I took a six-week prep class before senior year and fell asleep / cried in the bathroom during every session. Then on the day of the test I didn't eat, finished it 90 minutes early, got my not-great score and took the train home alone crying. So I am sure you will do better than me.